Who is there to care for the carers? DNC for one

This thing about having no-one to pick up our own pieces is vexing. There is, however, one service which is little known in our parts (Perth & Kinross) and which is well worth knowing, especially if you are caring for someone from dementia.

Ever heard of Dementia Night Care? Originally started as a project funded by the Scottish Executive, DNC offers night respite care in situ for carers whose nights are sleep-deprived. Several pilot projects started, but only two remain as far as I know. P & K is one, not sure about the other. The P & K team is run by three Honorary Sunbeams who fervently believe that there is little point in offering care unless they can shadow exactly, the care that we as carers offer. They like to meet you and the person you care for, so that they can learn as much as possible to make as smooth a transition as possible. They want you (the carer) to have a real break, free from worry, free from guilt. They will do whatever it takes - and nothing deters them.

The occasional bad-tempered outburst that is so typical of dementia is dealt with sympathetically and gently - it is nothing to be scared of, nor is it any reason to chastise. To them, it means that they must simply try a little harder to put the person in their care at ease. For us, a huge stumbling block has been personal care - from washing, brushing teeth, to dressing and the complete taboo (for my mother) the changing of the Tena Pant. (The Changing of the TPs has taken on the same ceremonial proportions as the changing of the guard. ) Whatever else she has forgotten, Mum knows that it is not normal to have someone else in the bathroom with you - much less, to allow your pants to be pulled down, removed and cleaned up in the process. "Outsiders" risk a sharp slap for their trouble - so the bottom line (!) is, that no-one tries any more.

Except for DNC. They think it is perfectly normal for Mum to object. "I would" says I. I has a smile that would light up the darkest of rooms. She doesn't need to work, and she left her last job at the local care home because no-one had the time to connect with the "inmates" any more. No holding of hands, no singing of hymns or old songs, no talking the jumbly jivy talk of the demented. No sharing of moments.

I does plenty of sharing. I saw her today to take a small gift of thanks for Christmas. In return, I got two huge parcels for Mum, including one for her birthday on Boxing Day. I never told I it was Mum's birthday! But somehow she knew....This kindness from an almost-stranger is all the more heart-rending when there is nothing from her son or her brother. Nothing for Christmas, nothing for her birthday.

If you think DNC could help you, ask about it from Home Care. Or if you email me, I'll make sure that you get the telephone number. Don't worry about cost: the service is free.

You might only get one night in three weeks, but if you are drowning in tiredness and stress, it might be just the lifeline you need.